Light A Candle

All day I have been trying to figure out what to write.  It has not been a particularly challenging day for me, but I know for some of my family it has and my heart goes out to them.  While I am here, waiting for my baby to come, others out there are waiting for family members to pass.  I feel caught in this vortex of duality right now.  Life and joy within me, death and grief around me.  It’s a bazar feeling.

I don’t know what more to say really, but I want to share a link with everyone.

Light a candle is an online… sanctuary of sorts.  For me it is anyways.  I go there and pray and light a candle when I feel these confusing things.  Today I lit a candle for Tandy.  A friend of my family who is in the hospital and we’re not sure if she will live.  I accidently found this website several months ago and I like to go there and read who the other candles are for, and light my own.  I don’t have a sanctuary of my own where I can safely light candles, but it’s nice to be able to light one somewhere and go there to think about whatever is on my mind.

So if you feel like it, check out the link.  Maybe say a prayer for Tandy and her son Zach.  And I hope you all have are having a good day.
Blessings.

Knitting – An Obsession?

I wonder if I’m not getting a little OCD with my knitting.  I tried to lay down for a nap today and all I could think about was knitting.  Granted, that’s all I had thought about for most of the day though, so it’s easy to assume that it was merely coincidence and not actually obsession that caused me to lose sleep.

Today started out fairly normal, aside from the fact that we all woke up an hour earlier then normal.  But at least I felt well rested when I woke.  I was a bit tired and snippy with the kids later in the morning and then my friend Lesa came over and started talking crafts with me.  She’s making mittens to put in our christmas shop and wants me to do the same.  I thought I had already said no to this, but I guess no one was listening and I couldn’t say no in the moment.  So I said, “I’ll see what I can do” which essentially turns into “I’ll do it” and now I’m kicking myself a bit.  I don’t really care about the shop and whether people there have mittens this year.  At some point, yes, it would be nice, but I have so many other things I want to knit right now, and need to knit for my family.  Knitting things to sell isn’t a priority for me.  So somehow I have to get the point across that I am not knitting for the shop this year, but I’m nervous.

Anyways, I got a bit panicky after our conversation and then got grumpy because I didn’t say what I was feeling, and sadly took that grumpiness out on the kids.  I started looking online at the yarn that I would theoretically order if I was going to make mittens for the shop and then saw all the great sales that knitpicks is having right now.  Like their 40% off all book sale!  I have seen this for a while, but until I got The Opinionated Knitter from the library I didn’t really think much about it.  I try not to by books when I can help it because they usually just collect dust.  But EZ’s “TOK” was only $17 instead of the normal $30.  They also have this beautiful fair isle vest kit that is a “last chance” kind of thing and 30% off too.  I sat drooling at my shopping cart an hour or so and then finally just gave in and ordered them.  Really, it didn’t cost all that much and I know how much I am going to enjoy both.  The vest will be put aside for now.  I know I don’t have time to work on it.  But it will keep and I have really wanted a vest like this.  I’m nervous about picking out colors on my own and these ones worked for me.  So you should all go check out knitpicks right now and see what you can find.

Before my attempted nap I was stressing out about the mitten knitting and just wanted to relax for a while.  So I turned on my copy of “The Knitting Circle” by Ann Hood and listened to a chapter while I worked on DH’s sweater.  The story made me smile because it is so real, and I suddenly felt that wonderful connection between all knitters (reminded me of when I first became a mom in a way) and the knitting lowered my stress levels and made me feel good because I am getting this sweater done, and DH might be able to wear it before next Christmas.

But oh the knitting has been swirling in my head all day.  The yarn, the movements, the texture, the theory.  Yarn and knitting.  Knitting and yarn.  I think it is very likely an obsession.  But it’s a good and productive obsession.  And I’m not as bitchy when I do it.

Scheduling and Organization

Lately I have realized that I am on more of a schedule and more organized than I have ever been before in my life.  This is a good thing.  It doesn’t really come naturally to me, I have to fight the procrastinater within to actually keep things going.  But I keep realizing over and over just how much better I do when I have things planned out and don’t just ride by the seat of my pants.

Today I did well for the most part sticking with my plans.  Got food this morning and did some worksheets with the kids.  Played with them and rested.  After lunch I listened to my birthing affirmations and tried to nap.  It’s getting harder to nap these days.  I got about a half hour.  When I woke up I let the kids finish what they were watching which gave me a little time to sit quietly and knit and then I fed them and we did some more worksheets (printable worksheets are the best thing!).  DD has been listening to a story for a while now and DS has been playing with his tools and toys and they have both been fine.

All in all we did really well today.  The only thing I missed was food after waking up from my nap.  Unfortunately this is probably the hardest thing for me to remember during the day and makes the evening pretty crappy.  I should be feeding  myself at the moment, or at least getting dinner started.  I hate when I forget to eat.

I’m trying not to be to hard on myself because today has been very nice and I did get a lot of things done.  At least, a lot of things in the way of the care and feeding of myself and my family.  And I’m realizing more and more, that really that is the most important thing a mom does.  It’s not so much that the toys are always picked up or the dishes always washed.  Sure those things make it more comfortable and make things run smoother.  But really, Mom just being there to help the kids out, feed and nurture them and stay sane, is really what a good mom does.  And this realization is very good for me and comforting.  Maybe I am a better mom then I thought.:)

The Opinionated Knitter

The Opinionated Knitter

Periodically I get on to our local library systems online catalog and just surf around to see what is available and order books for the bookmobile to bring to me.  Last week when I was working on Knit Through It I thought I should check out some knitting books that are grief related, and/or just knitting books in general.  Really who can ever look at enough knitting books?  As I was browsing through titles I was shocked to see Elizabeth Zimmermann’s “The Opinionated Knitter”.  I had previously searched for her books and found nothing (I’m seeing now it was a spelling error), so I gave up trying.  But there it was and I squealed.  Seriously, that’s what happened.  And I was even more excited when I found that it was still in the system.  Only having one copy in a huge library system can be a pretty dangerous things sometimes and I half expected it to be lost.  But there it was, checked in and just waiting for me to request it.

Today was the bookmobile and my mother in-law went.  I had been napping when she came in with the books, but when I woke up I saw this neat little pile that again made me squeal.  On top was a cd recording of “The Knitting Circle” by Ann Hood, next came Barbara Kingsolver’s new book “The Lacuna” and last was Elizabeth’s big and beautiful book.  This evening as a treat to myself I sat in the kitchen and started flipping through EZ’s book, just thinking I would look at patterns.  but I got sucked in by all the beautiful pictures and the awesome stories.  EZ is quiet simply a genius!  Her nonchalant way of writing is a bit intimidating to a new knitter, but now that I understand how knitting and patterns work a little better, I’m less afraid.  I’m completely blown away though at her brilliance and am feeling very inspired at the moment.

What really inspired this post was reading a little bit about the history of the BSJ (baby surprise jacket).  I know I look at things sometimes and can create a pattern in my brain, but for EZ to just start knitting this… thing and have it turn into a sweater, is amazing to me.  There is a picture in there too of a BSJ knit with bulky yarn and size 10.5 (us) needles and it’s a beautiful sweater that will fit a grown woman.  What an awesomely versatile pattern.  I just love how her patterns work.:)

I don’t know if I have it there already, but this book is defiantly going on my paperbackswap wish list, and also my birthday and christmas wish list I think.  What a treasure to have such an experienced and skilled knitter living up on ones bookshelf.

In Which Logic Fails

HeidiLogic seems to have a short-circuit or something lately.  Nothing seems to be working correctly at the moment, and unfortunately, I know exactly why.

As of Thursday I will be two weeks away from my due date.  I forget how much the nesting instinct takes over at this point in the pregnancy and what a primal time it is.  It’s completely illogical and all I want to do is be quiet and hid away and nest, nest, nest.  I don’t want to think about anything except for getting ready for the baby, I don’t want to do anything except for getting ready for the baby and anything that is not one of those two things puts me in a crabby mood.  Taking care of the kids in the last couple of day has been incredibly stressful for me.  They aren’t doing any better or worse than they normally are.  I’m just way more sensitive.  I’ve found myself in the bathroom having anxiety attacks several times in the last couple of days and crying uncontrollably.  This evening DD was caught doing something I have repeatedly told her not to do.  When I tried to talk to her she gave me her standard “Ok Mommy” but she wasn’t even listening.  I got so frustrated that I bawled, and then she bawled because it scared her, and then I cried more because I felt like such a bad mom.  I know I’m not, but it made me so sad that she was crying because I was.  I just don’t know how to handle the kids lately and all I want to do is to hid in a corner and knit, or take long baths and snack.  But being a mom I can’t really do that.  I am looking forward to this birth more just to get over the crazy emotions right now then for anything else.  I mean, I’m excited about the baby, and nervous (which is causing some stress too), but I just want to be able to function again and be able to not get stressed out so much by the kids and the little everyday things that need to be done.

The other thing that is bringing up a lot of stress is the anniversary of my Dad’s death.  My counselor calls this anticipatory grief, and though until I met her I didn’t actually know it had a name, I knew that a certain times of year when things had been particularly hard before, I went through a kind of grieving.  Knowing that it’s real and there is a clinical name for it makes me feel like I’m not crazy, but it still stinks.  I don’t even feel like it’s exactly a conscious grieving sort of thing, I mean I know it’s not.  Being so wound up in Babyland and the anticipation for the birth is all-consuming at the moment, but then there is this undermining grief and the two together make me into a ticking time bomb.  Actually, writing this is making me laugh.  I can see these things, I know it’s why I am so tense and stressed and frustrated, but in the moment when the kids are screaming, or the rice is burning (again), I don’t get why life feels so crappy.

DH and I have our anniversary coming up too.  It’s our second wedding anniversary.  Not like two years married, but like the celibration of our second wedding.  We had two.  The first was private and we didn’t sign any papers or anything, but knew that it was completely binding and that we were commited to sharing our lives together.  The second one is on the 13th of this month and that was the one we had our friends and family come to celebrate with us and we finally made it legal.  Why we did things this way… *shrugs*… I don’t really know, but it’s how it worked out.

While I’m excited about our anniversary, and the baby coming and Valentines day, I am really ready for this month to be over already.  This feels negative, but this time last year I couldn’t wait for the whole year to be over.  I think that’s improvement.

Right now there is just very little that is logical in my existence.  It’s all very instinctual and primal and I know that is ok because, logically, that’s what should be happening under all of these circumstances.  It’s ok to be primal and not logical, it’s just not very comfortable.  The logic keeps trying to force its self upon me, and the instinctual keep chasing it away.

Fortunately for me, February is the shortest month of the year, and with the babies birth, it will give me something new and exciting to look forward to in this month.